The holidays are riddled with people trying to be the happy people they are expected to be while managing stress, dealing with loss, and feeling alone. Over the last couple of months, I have bumped into far too many people who feel overwhelmed for a myriad of reasons. I am no stranger to that emotion and recently I shared a part of my story with a young man who was feeling hopeless. In support of his fight and in honor of those who have lost that battle, today I have decided to share some of my story with you hoping that it will encourage someone reading this message to keep fighting or maybe it will encourage you to be sensitive to the silent battle someone else is fighting to stay engaged and alive.
The first time I felt like a burden and I did not belong, I was in high school. I could not see the wonderful person people referred to me as and I did not see beauty only a history of bad decisions with an overwhelming future. I had no clue where I was going nor did I feel like I wanted to make the journey. With some help from people who love me, I found the strength to keep moving.
Fast forward a few years and I found myself as a college graduate, with a young family, a good salary, and my own home but I still had that feeling of hopelessness and being unnecessary. I had a good life though with a good life insurance policy. Since I had identified who would take care of my children if something happened to me, I started looking for different ways I could take my life. Ultimately, God gave me the strength to keep going. That did not last though because some years later the “want” to end it all came again. This “want” to end it all usually came at a time in my life when either I was about to have a major breakthrough after I had a major realization, or while I was in the middle of a turning point in my life. I did not notice this pattern until I was able to withstand a few of these situations.
Admitting you have had thoughts of suicide causes some to look down on you, some to lose confidence in you, and others to hide things from you. But I want you to know that you are worth fighting for and if that means admitting that you do not feel like living, please look for the right person to confide in and get the help you need! Your life matters! You matter!
The next time those thoughts come your way, use them to clapback. That’s right CLAPBACK! Do not accept them instead, praise your way through it. That sounds crazy, right? But I’m serious. It has only been a few months since that thought occurred to me last, but it no longer evokes the same response from me. I am stronger and far more than I ever imagined. I learned how to clapback. Now, I declare who I am and the promises that are in-store for me. I praise in the darkness and in the light. I set my own atmosphere. I do not allow the enemy to tell me who I am, where I am, or who loves me. I am by no means diminishing the battle you fight every day, but I am hoping you will fight to win and use the enemies ploys against him.
That which he says you are, you are not and that which he says you are not, you are.
-taken from Jakalyn Carr’s You’re Bigger